BEGGING TO BE BOLD

I'm slow to speak. I'm not good at witty comebacks. I was never on the debate team. I sometimes stutter when I'm nervous. I'm timid. I've always wished I was given the right words at the right times during the right conversations, but it doesn't seem to happen that way 99% of the time. All in all, I'm a first grader when it comes to boldness....this is especially true when it comes to sharing my faith...and this is something I hope changes. I have never prayed for boldness...today...that will change.

There's been so many times in my spiritual walk when I could have been bold, but decided to opt out due to various reasons. Being bold will allow me to decide to say something when it would be so much easier to say nothing at all--just as I have done for the past 7 years.

Opportunity continues to knock on the door day after day with different people that I hope to spend eternity with, and I inevitably avoid the opportunity that present themselves. I pray this, too, will come to a halt.

On top of opportunities creating themselves, I want to get to the point where I am extremely comfortable and feel incredibly bold to create the opportunities myself in order to share His love, His goodness, His faithfulness. I want it to be on the forefront of my mind in all situations.

I want to be bold enough where it's so obvious that I am less afraid of what other's think of me and my 'pushiness', 'weirdness' 'typical Bible thumping ways,' and become more concerned with where my friends and family will be spending eternity. I want to be bold for THEIR sake, not for MY sake. "God so loved the WORLD (that's everyone and everything!!) that He gave his only begotten son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) To NOT be bold, really means "I don't really care about you" and that makes me sick to my stomach.

I understand that there's non-believers who have a bad attitude because of people like me and many other Christians. If we were doing our job, (by being BOLD) we'd be the finest group of people in the world. There's MANY people who may not want to become one of us, but I guarantee you that you'd want to work for one of us, want one of us to work for you, be friends with us, and I know you'd want your daughter to marry one of us! I say this because we are called to reflect who He is on a day to day basis....and more times than not, we fail. Let's get to work! I want people to be in awe of our love for each other, and our concern for those who we fear for.

An Angel Awaits Us

February 28, 2011. The day my entire life of barely being a mother of 2 would suddenly change drastically. At this time, my new baby girl was no more than 3 months old and I had enjoyed her every second of those short, sleepless 3 months. I had been exclusively nursing Emma since birth, and noticed that my milk production had decreased significantly. After contacting a lactation specialist at our local hospital, she recommended taking an herbal supplement that would help my milk increase and allow Emma to get a significant amount of needed milk. The lactation specialist advised me NOT to take the pills until I confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. Confidently, I went to a friend's house to pick up an extra home pregnancy test that she had in order to immediately start my supplement. I waited till the next morning to take the test in order to start taking the pills first thing in the morning. This is where God completely altered my plans of waiting at least a year to start trying for baby #3. Instead, He made it very clear on that digital ClearBlue Pregnancy test that His plans were different than mine. After about 30 seconds of waiting for the words NOT PREGNANT to appear, I only saw the one word: PREGNANT...I immediately fell to my knees and cried. I felt as if Emma would always get the short end of the stick, be stuck in the middle of a needy 3 year old toddler and a very needy infant. I was worried that people would think less of Shaughn and I and that we would look irresponsible and selfish.

After about 2 weeks of having a pity party and hanging my head low, I thought about how very neat it would be for Emma and her little brother or sister to be so close in age and even be in the same grade. I just knew they would be best friends and share in so many memories together. My heart was lightened and instead of asking God 'why' I thanked Him for another beautiful gift and looked forward to November 5th...the day baby #3 would come into our lives.

Shaughn and I anticipated my first appointment with one of my favorite people, Dr. Moneke. When he performed the ultrasound, he said it was too early to see anything significant and that we'd have to come back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later, we went back excited to see our baby's heartbeat on the screen. We didn't see a heartbeat, and Dr. Moneke was certain it was still too early since there was a slight change from the last appointment we had...he wanted to monitor my blood and see me back in 2 more weeks. 2 weeks has now passed, and our 3rd baby didn't survive. As he performed the ultrasound and studied it for a few minutes, my heart sunk and my intuition led me to believe that instead of welcoming a baby in November, I would be welcomed by him at the gates of Heaven. I held Shaughn and we cried. Dr. Moneke held me and apologized. I take so much comfort knowing that one day, my baby boy (I have a very strong feeling it was a boy) will come running to Shaughn and I at the feet of Jesus and call us 'Mommy and Daddy.' Just another reason to anticipate eternity....Praise God for His promises.

It's so easy for me ask 'why' and wonder 'what if.' When I got in the car after hearing the news this morning, I told Shaughn my heart was breaking because I will always wonder what our third baby would be like. Red head like his brother? Quiet spirit like his sister? Someday, I will know. Although this is true, in the meantime, I will praise my Lord in this storm and focus on the gifts He has given me. I know this will bring Shaughn and closer as a couple and closer to the Lord as family. My prayer is that the Lord will use me in BIG ways to help mend the hearts of other women who will experience this heartbreak and hurt in the future.

I know in time, I will be able to smile again and my heart will stop aching. I will always consider this pregnancy our third baby and can't wait to tell Conor and Emma that they have a baby brother waiting for them in Heaven when they get there. Until I meet my baby face to face, I will rejoice in His Love, His promises, His grace, His protection, His gifts, His faithfulness and His plan....I know it's much better than mine. I will praise Him in this storm and anticipate a sweet smile in Heaven.

"But I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high! I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving." Psalm 69: 29-30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw

New Beginnings

2011?!?!

We have heard it time and time again "Time flies" "Time goes by way too fast" "Where has the time gone?" This year, more so than any of the other 24 that I have lived, has flown by! It seems like just yesterday we were welcoming in 2010 and my baby boy had just turned 1. He's now over 2 years old and I have TWO children...I am feeling OLD! :-)

Also, this year more so than any other years, I have goals. I have never really had a new year's resolution that I stuck with, but I want this year to be different. I have SO many things that I want to change: I want to speak wholesome language and only bring people up. I want to be a light where there is darkness and I want Jesus to live through me. I want to be bold in complicated situations and have courage. I want to trust that I will be given the right words and tools to use when in a challenging conversation. I want to be the best help meet for my husband I can be...He truly deserves the best. I want to dig into God's word everyday and make it a habit to hunger for the Truth. I want to spend more time teaching and playing with my son, and less time surfing the web and chatting on Facebook. I want to concentrate more on making God smile, rather than making others smile. I want to wake up knowing that His grace and love for me is enough to get me through any type of day...no matter what or who tries to bring me down. I want to bring joy to others and be a good friend. I want to know Him better.

Seems impossible...seems unrealistic...but for those that know me, when I have a goal, I usually reach it. I pray that my brothers and sisters will hold me accountable and be willing to be held accountable. I pray that I can find strength to change my habits and challenge myself to become more like Him and less of this world. Will you join me? Here's to 2011...the best year yet...and here's to new beginnings! I can't wait to see what's in store!!

Welcome Emma!

October 22, 2010--The day my whole world changed.

God never ceases to amaze me with the way he orchestrates things to bring Him glory! Although October 22nd was one of the most stressful days I've ever experienced, it was also one of the most beautiful and happiest days of my life: The day Emma made her entrance into the world.

Shaughn and I were told by my Dr. to go to St. Mary's hospital for induction since I was 1 week overdue. Although my insurance wouldn't allow me to be induced at that particular hospital, Dr. Moneke insisted that I 'pretend' I was having significant contractions when I went in. After waking up at 6:00am, excited and prepared to meet my baby girl, I went into St. Mary's and told them I was ready to be induced....completely forgetting to 'pretend' I was having contractions. The admin girls looked up my insurance and proceeded to get my room ready until they noticed that I wasn't supposed to deliver at their facility. (I delivered Conor at Victor Valley Hospital and had a horrible experience. I didn't want to have to be induced and neglected there again!) After explaining that I would eventually have a huge bill come my way, Shaughn and I turned around and headed home. I was in tears and extremely let down...

After 12 hours of debating on whether or not I should go back and 'pretend' my contractions were getting worse and worse or tough it out until I went into natural labor, I was getting bug brother Conor ready for bed when MY WATER BROKE NATURALLY! Of course, when a woman's water breaks, a hospital can not turn you away...there was our answer! God knew exactly what was going to happen and was laughing the entire time as Shaughn and I argued over what we should do.

Needless to say, we drove as quickly as possible to St. Mary's hospital. I was immediately admitted and had my friend for my labor and delivery nurse. God is good! :-) I was already dilated to a 4 and delivered sweet Emma May at 4:58am. After being up for almost 24 hours and after a long, emotional, confusing day, pushing a baby out was very difficult, but VERY MUCH worth every minute.

Emma entered the world at 7 pounds 12oz, 20 inches long with long, DARK hair resembling her brother Conor in many ways. I'll never forget the first time I looked at her and heard her sweet cry. I had no idea it was possible to love 2 children as much as I do. She is everything I've ever dreamed of and I look forward to watching her grow and change every day. Happy Birthday to my sweet, sweet baby girl. The Lord is good to me!

First Trip to the ER!

Someone once told me, that no matter how much you try to help your little boy avoid getting hurt, 'boys will still be boys.' I found this be true Monday night as my 21 month old son inevitably had to visit the Emergency Room for the first time in his life.

I had just gotten home from Bible study, and took a quick trip to the restroom where Conor followed me. He has gotten to the age where he does not walk ANYWHERE, but instead, has decided to run everywhere he goes. With that said, he quickly ran into the bathroom, slipped, and fell straight on his face. I immediately knew he was in a lot of pain because of the cry he let out. It was a distinct "Mommy, I'm in a lot of pain" cry. I had never seen so much blood in my life, and as I looked closer, noticed that there was literally 2 holes in his lower lip where his bottom teeth had punctured through. I knew it was serious, so I immediately ran outside where Shaughn was and asked him to load up the car so we could head to the hospital.

After waiting for about an hour, and Conor acting like his normal, friendly self, we were called back and Conor's lip was examined by the doctor. He was given 4 stitches after being put into a pappoos and being held down. Needless to say, NOT A FUN night. He will more than likely have a scar for life...or a battle wound to show off! :-)

Swagger Wagon!!

So, here I am. 25 years old, married to my best friend/high school sweetheart, raising my almost 2-year-old little boy and anticipating the arrival of our little girl. Where has the time gone? I was recently looking at some pictures of when Shaughn and I were in high school and remember looking forward to the days I am now so blessed to share with him. I have mentioned it before, but will say it again: God has been SO good to us and I am truly living my dreams.

Although this is TRUE....One thing that I didn't see happening in my future was driving a MINI-VAN! What the!? When picturing my life with Shaughn and my kids, I imagined a small house with a cute white picket fence...INSTEAD, I got a small house with a BIG white VAN in the garage! Along with marrying my best friend/sole mate, I married the most practical man in the world. After calculating gas mileage, monthly payments, approximantly how many spilled sippy-cups per week and insurance rates, he's convinced me that a van would be best for our growing family. At first I was completely resistant to the idea, but after many attempts to convince me of this purchase, I realized I simply needed to honor the provider of this house and submit to my husbands desires. After doing so, going to the dealer, and haggling the asking price down $6,000, we are the proud new owners of a 2010 Dodge Grand Caravan! I must say after owning the vehicle for 3 days, I have learned to love it! Going to the store has never been so easy with 2 automatic sliding doors, and I know the DVD players will come in handy as we haul our family to Carpinteria for family getaways.

So, go ahead, call me a nerd...call me a pushover, but I know that my vehicle doesn't define who I am...or does it!? I'm a mom and a wife...it's the perfect vehicle for me! Now all I need is a 'SOCCER MOM' sticker and 3 more kids to fill it up! :-)

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